that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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