So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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