Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
