Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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