I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
