I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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