not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
