I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
