he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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