I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
