Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
