I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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