Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We are all done wearing pants today
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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