I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
