We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
