Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
