My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
