i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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