I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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