would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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