They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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