it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
