you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
