you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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