I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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