This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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