Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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