so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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