So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
