I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
