You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
