he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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