Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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