get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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