you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
