I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I came so hard my ears popped.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
