I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
