she was so not down for the gang bang
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
