also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
