the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
