We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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