so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
