Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
