Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
