If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
