Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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