Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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