I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
