i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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