Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
