You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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