so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
