very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
