Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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