12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
