I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We were destined to go to rehab together
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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