they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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