you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
