Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize