I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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