Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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