i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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