i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
